Getting ready

Maggie leaves for Argentina today and her adventure lasts until the 15th; then Emily and I leave on the 19th for Costa Rica. That means in the next 12 weeks, I'll only see Maggie for about 14 days. At this point in time, that fact seems unendurable to me. (Can a fact be endurable?) Who would guess it'd be so hard to be away from a 17- year-old? I think of the great Loudon Wainwright song, written when his 16 year-old daughter moved in with him, "I'd Rather Be Lonely." Let's face it, lots of times parents of teenagers would rather not be around those teenagers and certainly the teenagers almost always would prefer to be someplace other than with their parents. Even so, whatever that essential sticky glue is that binds us together is, family means proximity. And I actually like to be in the busy orbit of Maggie, all the comings and goings and plans and energy. I will miss her so.

And yet I think these adventures, hers and mine, will be good for us both. She will learn to do things for herself that I often do, and I will learn to let her do them. (That might be the key part of all this--my letting go.) I begin to worry about the little things: will she remember to make her lunch? take her homework to school? And the bigger things: who will help her buy her prom dress? Will she talk her dad into spending way too much money on it? (very likely.) But I am leaving for 9 weeks, and leaving means being gone, and being gone means I don't get to make the decisions around here and that means: everyone will be ok. Everything will be ok. And we'll all learn a new way.

I've also been thinking about living alone and all the things I'll have to learn about myself. There won't be anyone there to distract me or to blame. There also won't be anyone there to laugh with and help with dinner. I'm most afraid of two things: that I'll be so lonely I can't stand it AND that a critter will get in my apartment. I will be utterly unable to handle that. I can do bugs, luckily, but mammals and birds, no way. I don't know why I think this might happen--probably because it's the one thing I fear most. A bird. A bat. Oh....

As for the loneliness, well, I'm just going to have to deal with that as it comes. Having never lived alone, I don't have a clue what to expect.

Ok, I have much to do today to get ready for my teaching next week and to put Maggie on the plane at 2:30 this afternoon. Every single time I've said goodbye to my kids at the airport, I've stood there watching them disappear and thought: how can I let them go?

So I can see them smile as they return.